There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly