[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
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Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?