ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Botany good plants lately?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
forgive me baja for i have blast
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.