My last name is Zilla.
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
😂💯
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”