If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
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Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.