I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
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Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
*gets down on one knee*
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news