Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
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Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff