MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.