Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
that lip filler tho
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime