“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
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If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
😂💯
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(