Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
estão todos miauvindo?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
sensitive skin
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%