Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.