A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
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Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
bury ourselves
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.