Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
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Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
rise and shine we got egg
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.