The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
LOL!
How do dragons blow out candles?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
But that’s none of my business
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR