Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.