When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
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I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.