What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
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[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Every. Damn. Time.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.