The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
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I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*