I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.