my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I’m good, thanks.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment