I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
You Might Also Like
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.