There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.