My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it