What in the hell is “disposable income”?
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Knock Knock
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?