If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
You Might Also Like
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
pat pat
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd