The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.