Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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*Seductively hides in the woods
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal