The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.