Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
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Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…