haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant