Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
You Might Also Like
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m giving up for Lent.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*