I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
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Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.