The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.