buying dead houseplants to save time
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My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?