[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
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My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
So sick of all these stupid rules
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search