The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
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Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.