Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
They did not think through this water fountain
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
If poetry is dead, then explain this: