“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
You Might Also Like
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
plums roundup
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.