Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.