Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m Sold!
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.