watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Feels
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.