If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
dam girl
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
🤣
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.