[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Print is alive and well!!!
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The happy life.. 😊
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”