Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
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Me: Same
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕