I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
i was baptized in a car wash
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..