ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Dance like you’re not the father
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
estão todos miauvindo?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?