ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
2022 be like
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*