[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.