My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.